While writing my article on How to Find a Good Match with an Analyst I started wondering about this question. Is finding a match with an analyst the same as finding a good match with a lover? There are a lot of people who will snap and say no that they are totally different types of relationships so they can’t be the same. The relationships are different. You’re not going to have sex with your analyst, live with them, have children with them and form that kind of life with them. You do form a relationship with them which is one part is has in common with a lover. Let’s check it out.
How do you know what kind of person you want? Nice, funny, kind, generous, good looking, rich, hot, liberated, religious, not religious. These are some of the most common items I have come across when asking people who they want to be with. These are great, but not completely useful for the long run. Once you find someone that hits those few that you are looking for, don’t hold onto those ideas, there is much more work to do to match yourself with someone.
First Step: Ask yourself how you need to be loved.
The more honest soul searching you do here the better the results. Want to be taken care of? Want to be able to take care of someone. Be showered with gifts or shower someone with gifts? Want to have a lot of physical contact, not so much? Need someone who can talk, listen or talk and listen? Digging into yourself and learning your identity in love, what intimacy means to you, is how to find that right match. Don’t fall into a failed repetition of needing a listener and constantly ending up with talkers or needing some space in a relationship and ending up with someone who needs more contact than you can give then wonder why things get negative. In my clear bias, if there is trouble with this step or if you want help with this step, find a good Psychoanalyst or Therapist that is willing to work on this with you. If the analyst doesn’t follow you and tries to talk about obscure things in your life or if a therapist is stuck in a treatment plan where they’re setting goals for you you’re not interested in, let them know your dissatisfaction and if that doesn’t work, find another. A good friend can also help greatly here.
Second Step: Find someone who resonates with your needs.
The second step comes in now that You’ve done some digging and you have a better idea of what your love and intimacy looks like, it’s time to look for someone who can resonate with that. When you’re with a potential lover, listen and observe how they are. This is admittedly difficult during the first few dates and even months of dating someone. Everyone is showing their best side to impress. Moments of stress and weakness tell you something about the other person. Are they good listeners until they get frustrated and shut down? Is that nice person suddenly cold when something happens they don’t like? The secret to this step is that the better you are at understanding yourself and how you can change due to circumstances, the better you will be at understanding someone else. Also, there are some match making services that take the time to talk to you face to face, no algorithms on an app, and knowing about yourself and who you want will make that experience more successful.
It’s easy to run at the first sign of a negative feeling towards someone you are dating. The grass is greener somewhere else. There’s someone else better out there. A lot of the time, yes. When you’re looking for a match and you have a bad feeling about someone, there’s no shame in walking away. Be curious, be willing to do some adventurous and constructively impulsive things and be safe. There are some of us who end up finding the same, destructive people, and if you’re in that repetition, go back to the first step to find out what’s going on. Lastly, don’t be ashamed, afraid, or pick your negative and self-defeating feeling, about getting professional help from Psychoanalyst/Therapist/Coaches/Match Makers etc. The defeating feelings are snuffing out your life.