6 Actions That Stop You from Finding & Keeping Love
In silence, we will settle for what we “believe” we can get and not seek and ask for what we want. This has the great potential of breeding resentment, boredom and feeling unfulfilled in your relationship or the constant problem of finding the same, unsatisfying partner.
Our attractions come from the relationships we observed as children and every relationship thereafter, for better and for worse. We have these ideas about what we deserve that we’re not totally aware of and we tend to act on them and that’s why we find ourselves wishing for a certain person and constantly finding the opposite. We have to figure out how to find love, not find the familiar.
- Being Willfully Blind
Being invested in your ideas about what your partner should be instead of being invested in who they actually are. You’ve found someone that meets your list. They’re funny, love the outdoors and fit you well enough politically. But, you start to see some things about them that aren’t your favorite.
This is a destructive set up we do when looking for a lover in the service of being alone. This happens more for some than for others, but it’s there to unconsciously verify for us the idea that there isn’t anyone out there for us or some type of negative message we hold that we’re not totally aware of. For example, in our mind our partner is supposed to be emotionally available all the time and when they are not those few times we feel this as a big pain within ourselves and start to question if they are any good for us.
- Not Being Totally Honest.
If you say you want someone who is sexually vigorous or who has a high paying career, but that career entails them being away from home for too long which suffocates the emotional availability you need or the sex needed from them is out of bounds with what you want, you may have not been honest with yourself. When we become more honest with ourselves we find that we learn to prioritize and separate our wants and needs. We may want someone who is over 6 feet tall, but we need someone who can sit, listen to us and genuinely act on what we have shared with them.
- Being controlling.
Helping them lose weight is one thing, changing their personality is different. As people, we can grow and change. A relationship that is devoid of sex can become sexually fulfilling again. A person who has never gone camping may really love camping and having that new experience with you. Trying to change someone who is generally not hungry for sex is not what relationships are for when you’re looking to see if they are the one to be your lover. When dating, and in those early stages of a relationship, you’re observing, figuring out the complicated complexities of the other, yourself, and the relationship. “Fixing” a major part of a person is only there in the service of crushing a relationship into an unsatisfying pain of tears.
- Looking for a Mirror
You like theatre? They must also love the theatre? This is healthy expectation in relationships up to a point. When there is this desire to have a lover that thinks just like you, likes everything you do, agrees with everything you believe, you’re then not looking for a lover. You’re looking for a mirror. No love comes from a mirror.
- Let Them Get to Know You
Being too quiet and closed off turns other people off from trying to start and keep a relationship with you. There’s a large barrier there being put in the way of the forming relationship. Why put yourself behind an impenetrable wall?
Thanks for reading my article and I hope it was helpful for you or someone you know. If it was helpful, share and follow me here at AdamAyala.org. I write blogs weekly on relationships and I am also available for individual in person sessions. Take care and keep asking the right questions about your love life.