Here we go into more depth to find solutions about the problems we explored in the 6 Actions That Stop You from Finding & Keeping Love.
Write down a list of qualities you’re looking for. Not just funny, beautiful and smart, but look for core features you need your partner to have to progress with them in a relationship long term. What political views are you okay with? Figure out the lifestyle, financial parameters, education level, emotional availability, sexual hunger, ideas on raising kids, ideas on how to spend time that you can live and grow with. Also, figure out if the kind of relationship you want lines up with what they want. Do the two of you want a monogamous, polyamorous or a just sexual relationship?
We also have to remember that we and the other person will adjust our mindset on these qualities over time. Sexual hunger raises and falls due to health, age, biology, mental health and life events. Our political views also change over time, rarely are these changes extreme, but we have to have an allowance for a border we are okay with. If you’re an outdoors person it’s good to find someone who also loves the outdoors. At some point, they may not want to go out as much as you guys once did and it’s okay to be okay with that and hear them out on why they want to do that activity less.
- Being Willfully Blind
Start to understand the other person’s limitations on the desired qualities that they do have. Your potential lover could be having a bad day and can’t be as supportive as you would want them at that moment because they need that support then or because of a hard day at work they’re not looking to rock your world all over the house. This stops the blows of devastation when we feel we aren’t getting a need met by understanding the other person has these limitations, and within those limitations, you are also there to meet their needs.
- Not Being Totally Honest
You didn’t get step 1 right the first time, of the 40th time. This is where you start to learn more about yourself. We may, rightfully, believe we want someone who is extremely creative and free, but then realize we want to grounded a bit more than expected. This takes a lot of genuine self-exploration and self-discovery. Being honest with yourself isn’t always fun or pain free, but is much less pain than the lies you tell yourself.
- Being Controlling
Don’t try to “fix” someone and just figure out if that issue is a deal breaker for you. Can’t live with a pessimist or someone who only wants to go hiking once a month? Then it’s not the relationship for you. It’s okay to look for someone else.
- Looking for a Mirror
Except and embrace your lovers’ differences. This makes them more exciting and shows there are more things to learn about them and a great potential for a satisfying and steady relationship. Looking for a clone of yourself that has not a single differing opinion comes from an unhealthy wish for permanent safety in a relationship and control. You’re putting yourself out there, taking risks. As natural as it is for us to want to diminish all risks, that will also diminish all the love. Love is risky, always.
- Let Them Get to Know You
Speak and share things about yourself with them. As much as you’re trying to understand them, they are also there to understand you. This is about clarity and not letting “fate” control how your relationship forms. Form your own relationship, be active in the creation of your love in your relationship.
Keep your mind open when it comes to finding and keeping love and try some different things. If what you’ve been doing hasn’t worked out, figure out what you could do differently. Love is risky, and it takes risks to find it.
Thanks for reading my article and I hope it was helpful for you or someone you know. If it was helpful, share and follow me here at AdamAyala.org. I write blogs weekly on relationships and am also available for individual in person sessions. Take care and keep asking the right questions about your love life.