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Ask Me Anything: Should I Have a 3-Some with the Boyfriend I Want to Marry?

There are many questions about the boundaries of igniting passion in your relationships and doing “too much”. I had one of my subscribers to my blog write an e-mail to me about her relationship and sexual fantasies to see if they were “too much”. If you’re interested in having a question answered by a Modern Psychoanalytical Relationship Specialist e-mail me at Adam@Ayala.com. All identifying information is confidential.

Letter from Jenny

Should I just go through with the 3-some anyways now since I’m the one who brought it up?

Mr. Ayala,

I was reading one of your blogs about how we will make our relationships safe, but it’s us just tricking ourselves into thinking it was safe and I need some help with this idea. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and we’re getting serious now. We’ve talked about getting married, having kids and making a life together.

Here’s the thing. I’ve had this fantasy of having a 3-some with him and another woman. I told him recently about this fantasy and he was fine about it after I told him how long I had fantasized about this and who I might pick to have the 3-some with.

Ever since he’s been acting strangely. He’s always checking out other girls and asking if they would be the right girl and even told me he had a crush on a girl and wondered if she would be the right girl for our 3-some.

I regret having said anything now because in my mind it sounded really fun. But now that I’ve said it out loud and the person I love is okay with it, I don’t feel okay with it. Should I just go through with the 3-some anyways now since I’m the one who brought it up?

Thanks.

Jenny

Does Passion Lead to 3-Somes?

The “safety barrier” created by the act of a 3-some is a way of sabotaging your relationship so you can keep emotionally distant from him and, more importantly, yourself.

Hey Jenny,

As a general rule, don’t ever do things you don’t want to do if you see they are going to be destructive to your life, goals or go against your constructive values. So no, I would not go through with this.

Psychoanalytically, it’s usually thought that dreams and fantasies are wishes we have. You have fantasized about having a 3-some and thought that you wished to do this. Now that you have said it out loud to your boyfriend, you’re seeing that maybe it’s not what you wanted.

It may have seemed that bringing up your fantasy about a 3-some was a way of bringing in the passion and danger into a relationship. It definitely brought danger to your relationship, but it was a destructive type of danger that was still investing in keeping you and your boyfriend apart emotionally. This isn’t the kind of danger I’m speaking about in my blogs or workshops.

Besides the fact that he is excited about this proposition which must be bringing up negative feelings about yourself and your relationship to him. Having a 3-some with yourself, your partner and someone else is creating a barrier between yourself and your partner. This barrier is there to create a safety barrier between your vulnerability to him now that you’re thinking about having a long-term committed relationship with him.

This barrier is also a good way to sabotage the relationship. Having a 3-some implants many problems in the relationship such as jealousy, resentment, and feeling as if you were not enough. These are all ways of investing in keeping yourself safe by destroying the possibility for closeness in a relationship under the flag of keeping your relationship “dangerous and passionate”.

My 4-Step Solution on How to Not Argue with your Lover will teach you what words to avoid when you bring this up with your boyfriend.

Explore why you two talking about getting married was the moment you decided to bring up a 3-some. Exploring and working through the different possible answers to that question will show you your true motivation for bringing up this fantasy now and will help you understand your conflictual feelings about possibly marrying him.

Also, wonder why you brought up having this 3-some with your current boyfriend. Why with him and no one else? Why did this fantasy come up while in a 2-year relationship?

In our struggle to have both safety and passion in our relationships we will have to dig into ourselves and find the dangerous aspects of ourselves and bring them to light. What you find in the light may surprise you. The more of your darkness you learn about yourself, the more darkness you will learn about your significant other.

I imagine you’re looking to bring in a 3rd person to block the light and to stop the insight from happening so you can stay safe while believing it’s you being constructively dangerous and passionate.

As I mentioned earlier, wonder about why the fantasy was brought up now with him. Get help with this if you need to and don’t be so quick to accept people telling you that, “It’s just fun,” “It’s no big deal,” “You’re suck a progressive of a woman,” etc etc. That’s them telling you what you want to hear so you can continue to resist and ignore the deep feelings you are having about your relationship, him and/or yourself.

Relationships that have been tested and go through rough patches are the ones that are most likely to be successful

Having a 3-some with the boyfriend you want to marry is a pretty sure way to either not get married or be in a relationship that won’t be satisfying long-term.

And look, it may feel like you’ve opened Pandora’s box now with this. It’s going to be a tough conversation to have with your boyfriend if you tell him you don’t want to do this anymore and I have a guide here for you so you can make sure you can have this conversation in a way that is constructive to your relationship and doesn’t make it blow apart. My 4-Step Solution on How to Not Argue with your Lover will teach you what words to avoid and what to be thinking to avoid this talk becoming an argument so you can continue to live in a way that is fulfilling to your lives.

Relationships that have been tested and go through rough patches are the ones that are most likely to be successful when both partners invest in working through the conflicts. You did a difficult and constructive thing by being open with him and he’s going to also have to understand as you continue to open up with him when you tell him that you don’t want to have a 3-some. He can’t just pick and choose the parts he wants to know about you, just as you can’t.

Take care of yourself,

Mr. Ayala

Modern Psychoanalytical Relationship Specialist

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