We get really busy figuring out how to search for the right person and we then start to forget what we really need in a lover. Then, with so many choices, we start to doubt that we know who the right person is, especially if you haven’t clearly thought this through yet. It becomes difficult to trust your instincts, you really shouldn’t since that will just help you attract the same person, not the right person.
When searching, you have to look inward first. Are you letting yourself be loved? No, you don’t just leave yourself open to anyone, that’s not letting yourself be loved, that’s letting yourself be used. When you’re letting yourself be loved, when you are loveable in the way you want to be loved, you will attract and be attracted to those who will be in sync with your desired love. This kind of love is usually not that blinding and impulsive passion we’re told we are supposed to have. There is the balance of that passion we feel with the qualities that we desire. Just going for the person who overwhelmingly ignites your passion will give you some short-term fun and long-term heart ache. Finding someone who meets all your desired qualities without passion will leave you in a dull and lifeless relationship where you’ll be starving for the passionate part of love.
Also, ask yourself why you’re searching for someone right now. Is this the right time to be looking? If you can be honest with yourself and discover you’re just feeling lonely and want someone there to take care of you, you may be investing in finding the same person, instead of the right one. Are you looking to find someone to just make yourself feel better or to create a loving relationship with them?
When you find someone who seems to fit enough of what you may need, date them for a bit. It is KEY to Learn how to learn about others while letting them learn about you. Love with the Right Person is usually never immediate, it’s created. They may not be a 10 on your looks scales, maybe not even a 7, but they listen so well. Give yourself and them a shot. You have to change the way you date to find a different kind of lover. New feelings will have to be tolerated. The major one is ambivalence. You’ll have mixed feelings about people, uncertainty, and those feelings are constructive. Let them motivate curiosity in those people and what a possible relationship would look like with them. You’ll find many that aren’t good enough and those experiences will help you define clearly what you really need. Then, you can find your lover.
Settling and being too picky are your worst enemies. If your expectations are the same as your past expectations, you will attract the same person. Past relationships are only failures if you keep repeating the bad repetition.
Thanks for reading my article and I hope it was helpful for you or someone you know. If it was helpful, share and follow me here at AdamAyala.org. I write blogs weekly on relationships and am also available for individual in person sessions. Take care and keep asking the right questions about your love life.