When people find out I’m a Modern Psychoanalytical Relationship Specialist the first question I’m asked is some variation of, “Why do I always fall in love with the wrong type of person?” I’ve always been so focused on understanding how to make a good relationship last a life time that I’ve neglected to explore what attracts one person to another in a more meaningful way. The first thing I tell them is that they’re not falling in love. That’s always a shocker.
I believe people fall deeply in passion because they find a conscious and unconscious “match”. What’s difficult to understand is if that match is mostly destructive or constructive. We can keep matching ourselves with the same abusive fool, entitled royalty or passionless bum with a different face each time or match ourselves with someone good enough for us.
The problem is that if we keep falling in passion with our destructive match, it’s difficult to break that repetition. You will also not find the constructive match attractive enough until you start exploring your feelings, fantasies and thoughts about your attraction patterns freely with yourself or with another who isn’t there to tell you what to think, but who is curious and works to understand what is going on to help you find out what to explore and do.
Exploring yourself freely is extremely difficult to do, terrifying to do actually since we’ll start finding out things about ourselves that we’ve defended against our whole lives and may not want to discover and understand. Not discovering and understanding these darker parts is what most of us actively do every day though and it isn’t work out well.
Identifying the garbage attractive patterns, finding out what’s stopping you from being attracted to good matches, answering what is a good match, and implementing those understandings in your life are the ways to getting yourself seeking the right lover instead of the same destructive or lukewarm lover. Another reason the majority of us don’t explore to understand ourselves is because if we’re currently in a relationship, we may find that we’re in the wrong relationship and it’s painful to end a relationship.
Being the Lover the Lover We Want Will Want
Are there really good matches out there for us? That’s the wrong question. We’re trained to always look outward for our needs as if the external world is responsible for our happiness. We have to be the kind of lover the lover we want will want.
Really bad matches are the most common. We’ve seen and experienced broken hearts, but that good love looks to be rare. I blame this on the training we’ve received from culture and everyone around us that we have to go “find” our lover. That’s wrong. It’s also wrong that we have to go out and find ourselves. You’re right there, you just have to be willing to go through the work to explore and understand. Trips to unknown and frightening countries are good for our mental health, but there’s no need to run. There’s an unknown and frightening place right behind your eyes to explore which will answer every question that can be handled.
Look, we have to make love.
We start making love by making ourselves more than a great lover. That’s awful right? We can’t just find it if we look hard enough. I’m disappointed too because that means there’s no chance that it can just fall into our laps if we’re lucky enough. There’s no way we can just impulsively do whatever we want and just happen onto love as the movies show us. We have to create loveliness within ourselves.
When we have that loveliness, we attract others of the same caliber. Others, those bad lovers of the past, will still come over, but you’ll work to understand who is the lover you want and who isn’t.
Love is assertive. Those who haven’t put in the work will call you stuck up because you won’t just have a fling with them or waste time with them. They’ll call you mean in various ways. Self-wroth and understanding aren’t popular to the majority, but there will be those who will respect that and be attracted to that instead of attack you for it. That’s one way to understand that you’re ready to now find a good lover for you yourself have positioned yourself as a good lover to attract them.
We only attract those at our level and below. It’s an anomaly to attract someone higher than ourselves and have that relationship be satisfying for both long term. It’s an ego blow to discover who we are because we’ll find parts of us that contradict our conscious idea about ourselves. Getting through all of that gets us to our loveliness that attract others as good as you are.
I have to stop myself here because If I let myself I’d keep going, so I’ll end us here with accouple main points.
Just finding love is a fantasy and a lie. You make love.
To make love there has to be the creation of comfortable and assertive loveliness within oneself.
To create that loveliness, inner exploration of the darkest parts of ourselves is inevitable.
With the fusion of our darkest and lightest selves, we create our own loveliness.
We express and live that confident loveliness in the world, sifting through bad lovers and attracting the good lovers we want. The lovers who have also put in the work.
Then we have the lover we can create a new love together with. This is the love that won’t obliterate itself with the bad times, but continue to create and recreate itself to the satisfaction and pleasure of the two of you.
I really love sharing and exploring about attraction, our darker selves and how to create within ourselves our own loveliness so we can find the lover we need so if you have any questions, comments or ideas about what I said here e-mail me at Adam@Ayala.com. It’s all confidential and It’d be no problem chatting. See you again.