Browsed by
Category: Relationship Advice

The Couch, Modern Reactions

The Couch, Modern Reactions

I haven’t heard anything new about why those trained under Psychoanalysis use the couch in their practice. Typically, you hear that Freud used it to decrease distractions from what he was trying to do. And that the couch is there to promote free association, where you can say anything without reservation as to create progressive speech. It’s also said that it’s there to help the analyst freely work in the analysis which increases the ability for the analyst to be…

Read More Read More

What Does It Mean to Know Yourself?

What Does It Mean to Know Yourself?

Psychotherapy, therapy, analysis, all of these and other types of professional supports serve a function. Some focus on behaviors and stopping you from doing certain things. Some are looking to explore and understand as to create long term changes in your life. In their differences, they are all, at very different depths, are helping you know about yourself. What does knowing yourself mean? Philosophers such as Socrates and Plato explained that knowing oneself is to understand yourself rationally, objectively, without…

Read More Read More

Opposites Attract: An Illusionary Lie?

Opposites Attract: An Illusionary Lie?

“Opposites attract because they are the inversions of each other (81).” I’ve had conversations over a few years with a male colleague, who is also a Doctoral Candidate of Psychoanalysis, about his dating issues over the years. He’s a good looking guy, smart guy, young, thoughtful, but keeps finding the same wrong girl. In a half joking way I told him that he needs to stop looking for his mother. A typical joke in our community. “You’re not wrong man….

Read More Read More

Advice: Unconscious Manufacturing of Dullness in Relationships

Advice: Unconscious Manufacturing of Dullness in Relationships

An advice article on Dullness of Relationships It’s not easy to accept that safety is the killer of the passion in a relationship and harder to accept that to have an actual relationship you have to diminish the illusionary safety we are trained and hardwired to find, create and maintain. But, if you were to do this, what would it look like? The first mind set to change that will have a constructive impact on your relationship is to realize that…

Read More Read More

Unconscious Manufacturing of Dullness in Relationships

Unconscious Manufacturing of Dullness in Relationships

Relationships start off with us seeing our partner as the idealized, the perfect person. Everything about them is new, seductive and something we can’t live without and you lust after them nonstop. Then, as the relationship continues, things start to dull out. You’re with them for a couple years, get to “known” them more, you get busy with work and getting degrees, maybe get married and have a few kids. Things feel pretty dead. What happened? This seems to be…

Read More Read More

2 Steps to Finding a Good Lover

2 Steps to Finding a Good Lover

While writing my article on How to Find a Good Match with an Analyst I started wondering about this question. Is finding a match with an analyst the same as finding a good match with a lover? There are a lot of people who will snap and say no that they are totally different types of relationships so they can’t be the same. The relationships are different. You’re not going to have sex with your analyst, live with them, have…

Read More Read More

Strife: The Sabotager

Strife: The Sabotager

One story in a series questioning if We Make Ourselves Unlovable. A client of mine, Strife, college age male, came in because of depression. We soon learned that his depression had to do with his relationship. He had cheated on his girlfriend and it was destroying him. “I have good days and bad days over it. Mostly bad days.” It was early in his relationship with Ana. They were away from each other for the summer due to summer break…

Read More Read More

Mia: Disconnecter

Mia: Disconnecter

One story in a series questioning if We Make Ourselves Unlovable. I had a friend, Mia, that I met in late middle school who had this ability to be unlovable regardless of how much she wanted to be loved. She was madly in love with another member of our group and they never ended up together. Thinking back on those years, it doesn’t make sense. They were best friends, were good to each other, took care of each other, everyone’s…

Read More Read More

Are We Making Ourselves Unlovable?

Are We Making Ourselves Unlovable?

Throughout my life there has been this cultural hyper focus on the other in relationships. When a relationship goes wrong it’s because of the other person. They did or didn’t do something. Throughout my practice and life, I’m seeing that this is true when in a relationship with someone that lacks maturity and for the shallowest of relationships. For instance, the relationships that is based on consumption and trade, not emotional experiences, regardless of length of time. There are many…

Read More Read More

What It’s Like to Be an Analyst

What It’s Like to Be an Analyst

               I’m going to use the same quote I used in the article What It’s Like to Be an Analysand. “Life lived in fantasying is life not lived. For Winnicott, the return both to living and to dreaming and playing is what the analysis is all about. He holds that experience which has never been experienced is the task of treatment.  In psychoanalysis, this is a real analyst who survives the patient’s attacks without retaliating. The clarification of the patient’s…

Read More Read More