Curing Why You Are Not Sexually Attracted to Who You Love: Psychoanalysis

Curing Why You Are Not Sexually Attracted to Who You Love: Psychoanalysis

Let me just give you the bad news up-front. The good news is at the end.

You aren’t consciously free in your search for who you love. This is because you automatically go out and re-find in a new lover what you had in an old lover.

Have you dated the same loser over and over again? Have you dated that some person who just takes and takes and doesn’t really care about you? That’s not an accident. You’ve done a good job of unconsciously re-finding that kind of person over and over again.

Every time I mention this in my workshops people are quick to raise their hand and say, “It’s just that all men are pigs!” Or I’ll hear that, “It’s just that all women are hypergamic so they will take from men and monkey-branch to the next one once they’re done taking from the first guy!”

It’s easier to be with someone who is just fun because there is no expectation for it to last long-term.

My response to them is always, “It’s that you are attracted to pigs so what you seek out is pigs and you, sir, are attracted to “hypergamic” women so that’s all you go seek. You may say that you want a “good guy” or a woman who “cares for me and not my money,” but until you go and change in yourself what is holding you back from what you want, and stop blaming others aka the pig men and hypergamic women, you will keep doing what you’ve always done.”

Let’s get a bit more specific in the bad news.

You don’t get to choose who you are sexually attracted to. Those individuals who stand up in my workshops to tell me that they’re fine. It’s just that there are no “good” men or women left in the dating pool. These individuals actually “know” who they should be attracted to for a long-term relationship, but they have an understanding they aren’t.

Many men and women know they should be attracted to the,

  1. Responsible person.
  2. Who won’t treat them like garbage.
  3. Who is most likely to be faithful.
  4. Who is willing to be both a steady foundation for the relationship and a passionate force for your love life.

But they desire the wild and dark person and only in their 30’s do they want to “settle down” after they’ve had their “fun” aka abuse.

I get it.

It’s easier to be with someone who is just fun because there is no expectation for it to last long-term. It takes the pressure off of you so you don’t have to put in the investments needed to have a fulfilling long-term relationship. You won’t be held responsible for the relationship failing. It’s just that there are no more “good guys” out there.

This cycle causes many problems in the dating scene, especially for women, that we want to avoid.

Even Worse News

After researching relationship data from the past 130 years, here’s the major problem insightful professionals have identified when it comes to who we initially love and are sexually attracted to.

  • Naturally, who you love and who you are sexually attracted to as an adult is all determined by your relationship with your parents and those who you were around when you were young. As Dr. Bergmann (2001) put it,
  • Ivory Tower Speech: “The emotional intensity in the parent-child relationship fuels the search for finding an object (Bergman, 2001, pp. 5).”
  • Translation: “The type of relationship you had with your parents, and parental figures, is the type of relationship you will have in your unconscious mind when you go out and find a lover.”

Quick Examples:

  1. Women with alcoholic fathers too often find themselves with abusive and alcoholic boyfriends. This is what common culture calls “daddy issues.”

2. Men with aloof mothers will find themselves a wife that doesn’t care much for them. This is what common culture calls “mommy issues”.

Taboo of Early Love

Let’s break this down even more. This also means that,

  1. The energy, love and attachment you had for your parents has to be converted over to the new person you want to be in a relationship with as an adult.

1a. This conversion of energy and attachment happens through maturation of the mind and not through sheer will.

1b. Those with low attachment intensity to their parents and parental figures have a higher chance of having a low attachment intensity to their lovers as adults.

  1. In the transfer of the intense (or un-intense) love you had for your parents you have to have also not transferred the Taboo of Early Love that you had for your parents.

2a. Kids love their parents without being sexually attracted to them as we understand adult sexuality.

  • When the Taboo of Early Love is transferred to a new person who you want to love, then you will fall into the problem of being able to love that person, but you won’t be able to desire or be sexually attracted to them. You will love them as kids love their parents.

This is what is happening deep in the minds and unconscious of those who can’t get themselves to stop dating the wrong person that just makes them feel good for the moment.

You either date the mysterious and intense person so there is a lack of responsibility on your part when the relationship falls apart because there is no real drive to stay together in a healthy way. You can’t love where you desire.

Or you will be with a person who you love, but you aren’t driven to have sex with them in a meaningful way. You can’t Desire where you Love.

Can You Change Being Sexually Attracted to the “Bad” Guy/Girl?

With a analyst you lay on a couch and speak to start your investment in your cure just as Princess Bonaparte did with Freud and Marilyn Monroe with Dr. Greenson

What can you do about this if you find yourself constantly being sexually attracted to the wrong person?

There’s a pill for that!

What pill you ask?

A hard pill to swallow.

Remember how I said that this is happening deep in your mind and unconscious? It takes intentional investment to start to sort all of this out.

You can definitely hit your 30’s and marry someone who you “know” is good for you. But you won’t really be there in your relationship. You will have left your passion, sexuality and lust behind and will be cheating your now spouse out of being in a full relationship with you. Worst of all, you’ll be cheating yourself.

Society Says Not Being Sexually Attracted to Who You Love is “OK”

You can use the excuses society gives you.

  1. When you get married or in a committed relationship the sex dies down as you turn your attention to kids and your duties.
  2. Sex is only for the beginning of the relationship so you can bond. Later in the relationship you have to put your kids and other obligations first.
  3. I’ve also heard that all women are just hypergamic and once they have gotten what they want (kids & money) they will just cut their hair because they know they’re set for life.
  4. I’ve also heard that all men are just out there for sex and once they’ve had you and had a kid with you, they will not care for sex as much with you anymore and will want to have sex with other women to spread their seed.

Prize: Using Excuses Wins You a Dead Relationship

Let’s say that all 4 of these excuses are true enough. Tough, they’re just excuses because you don’t have to fall to that fate. Accepting these excuses will leave you in a passionless relationship at best that is,

  1. A relationship that is duty obsessed.
  2. A relationship that ignores both individuals in the relationship
  3. One that denies the part of you that is alive, that needs thrills, that needs passion, danger and lust.

Or, you can figure out why you only desire and are only sexually attracted to the wrong type of people.

Ask Yourself: Why can’t I desire where I love and can’t love where I desire.

This is how you don’t become a statistic in the divorce rates. This is how you don’t become another single mother statistic. This is how you don’t become another “dead beat dad” being dragged through the court system statistic. This is how you give yourself the potential to not make the common mistakes culture permits and encourages you to make.

Finally: The Good News – Psychoanalysis

Your story is painful, but you get to tell it and someone will actually listen with the intention of understanding you and not trying to tell you what to do.

You initially don’t get to choose who you love and who you are sexually attracted to, but you don’t have to be a helpless victim to fate. You can actually change your fate when it comes to romance and long-term relationships.

Let me make this clear. You can change Yourself, not who you are with. Believing you can change someone because you’re in a relationship is an investment in guaranteed disappointment and pain.

A lot of people tell me that they’ve gone to therapy before and it didn’t work. I’ve been told that they’ve gone to sex therapist and did everything the sex therapist told them to do and it didn’t help the relationship long-term. That’s unfortunate because therapy is pretty useful for many things. But, here’s the thing.

Psychoanalysis isn’t therapy.

  1. You don’t immediately get told what to do.
  2. You are not put on a plan as if you and your relationship are the same as everyone else’s relationship.

What Psychoanalysis Is.

  1. An extensive exploration of what is going on with you underneath your awareness is conducted so we can figure out what is blocking you from being attracted to the person you understand is good for you.
  2. Then we can figure out why you can’t desire where you love and you can’t love where you desire.
  3. After this has been done enough, we then find solutions you can put into action that will change your life.

The Cure

In the talk there is the cure. Your brain will change, your mind will change, your actions then change which changes the fate of your love life.

Here is the major difference you will come to when you go to a Therapist compared to a Psychoanalyst. Therapist are very into “Action Plans” and “Treatment Plans” which tells you that they have all the answers already. It really gives you this idea that they are the experts and will tell you exactly what to do to fix your problems today. This is comforting. Too often, this comes off the same as snake oil salesmen.

Psychoanalyst gives you the opportunity to do what is difficult. With a analyst, you lay on a couch and speak, just as Princess Bonaparte did with Freud and Marilyn Monroe with Dr. Greenson, and you let yourself think everything that comes to mind. Then you get to say out loud anything that comes to mind with a person who isn’t going to tell you that you should or shouldn’t think or say anything.

This is where the cure starts. This is where your neurons change in your brain. You will start to remember things and have someone listen to what you remember. In remembering, you start to discover new things about yourself. A lot of these new things aren’t great. They’re actually pretty painful. Your story is painful, but you get to tell it and someone will actually listen with the intention of understanding you and not trying to tell you what to do.

In these painful moments you will want to leave your analysis. Who really wants to go through all of the things you worked so hard to not see? Those who do work through this with their analyst start changing their lives. This is why actors and artists have always used psychoanalysis. It frees them so they can live in their passions, so they can be what they need to be, so they can be free without destroying themselves or becoming consumed in their roles or feelings..

In the talk there is the cure. Your brain will change, your mind will change, your actions then change which changes the fate of your love life.

Starting at the last step, and using “Action Plans” is the same as eating a cake before you’ve mixed the ingredients and baked it. You’ll have a mouth full of egg and powder.

It seems overwhelming to think of changing who you’re attracted to if they’re rooted deep within us. It’s tough, so you have to ask yourself if your life is worth changing.

If you’re with someone and have to have a talk about your sexual attraction to them, I’d recommend having some tools so the talk doesn’t go wrong. My guide helps you have this conversation about sex in a way that invests in your relationship regaining satisfactory sex again. My 4-Step Solution on How to Not Argue with your Lover will teach you what words to avoid and what to be thinking to avoid this talk becoming an argument so you can regain the fulfilling sex and intimacy that comes with it.

Mr. Ayala

Modern Psychoanalytical Relationship Specialist

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