Usually my articles have had some references to literature of some sort. This isn’t that type of article. Here I’m just talking from me, saying anything, with the guidance of making my experiences useful for you. Or at least thought provoking and challenging. A lot of us exist and experience this world feeling unknown, confused and un-understandable. Where people believe that our dreams are empty. I get it, that sucks. So, sucky adventure time it is.
I was conversing with a luminary soul who can understand, actively experience and constructively transmute emotional communications that would be unreasonably and horrifyingly overwhelming for others and I asked them for help on a topic to write about here. They wondered if you could have a satisfying career and relationship or does one have to suffer for the other to prosper? I’m giving them credit for this article because this was mostly them exploring and teaching me. They’re just going to be too humble to accept that.
To succeed in a career, it takes a lot of time and a lot of physical and emotional energy. Schooling, hustlin’, debt, long and sleepless nights trying to work on the business plan and writing e-mails and making every contact you need to make sure everything is good. A lot of the pleasures of life are sacrificed for the promise of financial stability and the feeling of worldly prosperity. Nothing wrong with making money.
To succeed in a satisfying relationship, it takes a lot of time and a lot of physical and emotional energy. There has to be constant, useful communication, and communication that’s ever evolving to the needs of the two people in the relationship and the relationship itself. There has to be those pleasurable times where they feel like candy in our veins while at the same time both lovers, and the relationship itself, can’t obliterate themselves, itself or each other when something isn’t going right.
The high of the relationship, which lets both lovers enjoy the good times and successfully demolish the bad times without repeating the same bad times, comes from the conscious and unconscious drives that activate the perusing curiosity of the other person, yourself and the relationship, not just from the good times the relationship produces.
If your relationship’s foundation is the good times, it will crumble when the good times fade away. If your relationship’s foundation is an ever-increasing drive to understand yourself, the other and the relationship with the ability to put into action those understanding with your lover, your love will last and surprise the shit out of you.
A symptom of a dead or dying relationship is the lack of communication, its not the cause of the death of a relationship. It’s a symptom because there’s something else going on that is stopping the desire of one or both lovers to talk to each other. For example, one lover can just not like who the other lover has become over time for any reason. The desire to connect diminishes which stops communication that is in the service of connection and the relationship will no longer be sustainable nor satisfactory.
Good communication is a symptom of a thriving and living relationship. We talk with those we are interested in, who we love, who we desire and want because of something deep within us and them. This kind of communication is a co-creative process between two people who are willing to dig and explore themselves and the other. Not just explore, but create with the other.
Ever had the experience of drifting deeper into the sound of the emotional and physical experience you’re having with someone? The embracing of that rush is one of those deep and unconscious movements that move us towards and with someone and opens up the ability for mutual creation.
So, can we have both? Not always. Both lovers have to want to have both. If only one does, you won’t. One person can’t hold up a relationship. That’s not a relationship anymore, that’s servitude. There are some people who want to be with someone and rely on their lover to be really busy with their career so the work of a relationship can be minimal and they can reap from the fruits of their labors while having the appearance of a satisfying relationship and worthwhile career. If that’s what you want, find it. If it’s good for you and good for the other, then great. Make sure you’re finding a person who wants what you want and will fulfill that role as you fulfill the role they want from you. Don’t waste someone’s time who wants both if you want just one.
I’m putting an aside here about psychoanalysis since I am who I am. There’s two ways of understanding relationships within psychoanalysis. One is the Object-Relational side which talks much about attachments. I’ve written about how we attach to our patterns. This is all true and psychology eventually picked up on that and attachment theory is what pop-psychology is all about right now.
There’s also the side that understands relationships through drives. Ever had that feeling that you had to do something. Drives are the source of that movement. There are times where we can physically feel us be driven, feel the two drives. Death and Life. I realized that, as I am part of the culture as an individual, I haven’t been writing about that enough. I tried a little bit here in this article.
Drives are closer to our humanity than attachments and what we repeat. It’s also much more difficult to talk about and explain so it makes sense why individuals and the culture at large ignores them. But, I just wanted to give you that idea so you can hear more than just the manifest content of what someone is saying and understand the foundation of the position they are coming from and what the strengths and weaknesses are of that position are. I’ll write more about this to help all of us understand.