Men, when you’re having an argument or in a fight with your spouse, it’s going to take you longer to calm down than a woman on average just because of biology. This means that you have to be responsible for your feelings and what you do while you’re trying to calm down.
One of the major destructive actions men take is to repeat negative thoughts in their minds during and after an argument for an extended period of time.
“She’s just nagging me because it’s fun for her.”
“I don’t have to deal with this anymore!”
“She wants to be that way…I’ll show her.”
“Why does she always say that it’s my fault?”
Or becoming belligerent to shut down the conversation becomes an option because having to have the talk or the arguments are too overwhelming.
Continuously taking this action of negative self-talk invests in building contempt and resentment in your relationship. An investment in contempt and resentment in your relationship is an investment in divorce, separation or a long and miserable life that will shorten your life and weaken your immune system and health.
What are you supposed to do?
There are two things you can start out with when you’re feeling overwhelmed by an argument or talk.
- Remove Yourself
Go for a fun, play a few hours of video games, take a nap, work in the garage. Do whatever chills you out and do it for a while. She may want to talk about things too soon and let her know that you won’t talk about it until you have cooled off. It’s her responsibility to respect that.
- Be open to repair attempts.
Repair attempts usually come from the woman in the relationship where they do something to break the emotional tension and lower the stress level during or after a fight. When these happen, you don’t have to self-soothe and you can get out of that fight or flight mode much easier.
I had a couple who would argue about things regularly, but the wife, to break the tension and stop an argument that had gone too far, would say in a heavy English accent, “…Bitch.” Her husband would then say, “No, you’re a bitch.” And they would both laugh.
Her husband recognized her repair attempt and they could laugh and snap out of their arguments and be able to actually work on the problem or just bypass what they were arguing about if it was insignificant.
Look, I know you will want to ignore repair attempts from your lady. That comes from that feeling of wanting to punish her for what you feel she has done wrong so she could be as miserable as you are. You will feel righteous for ignoring the repair attempts, but is the short-lived feeling of righteousness worth a lifetime of resentment?
Not sure what to do or think about what you’re feeling? If you’re curious to know more about relationships that shorten your life-span here is my Guide: 14 Differences Between Toxic & Loving Relationships. This will walk you through the different parts of these kinds of relationships so you can identify what you or one of your loved ones is experiencing so you can Fix Your Fate instead of letting destiny choose for you.