“You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough.” -Frank Crane
If we shut ourselves up, never trust, we’ll never have love. If we trust too much, are too giving, we manage to find too much heartache. What do we do?
At the core of trust, is reliability. Trust is created when we reliably do what we say we will do. What are some things you can do to create trust in your relationship?
- Keep your dates and promises.
If you say you’re going to see them Wednesday night after work, show up. Once in a while you’ll have to cancel because something happens. But, if this is a pattern, there should be no reason for your lover to trust you or your word. If someone reliably breaks their words and dates with you, there is no reason to trust them.
- Don’t Maliciously Talk about your Lover
Talking crap about your lover to your friends, parents or loved ones is helpful in what way? It will make you feel better for the moment and it’ll create a, “us verses them,” mentality between your lover, you and your crew. And when they find out you talked about their trusted life struggles to others, why would they trust you with anything else? You’ve made sure to show them that you’re not trustworthy. A lover who consistently gossips about you isn’t a lover.
- Don’t Play Games
“Testing” your lover to see if they really love you is an investment in being single and miserable. If your lover is reliable with dates, doesn’t disappear on you, does what they say they will at home, what would be the point of doing these tests? For example, a common game in relationships is when one person expects the other person to be a mind reader in the relationship. If they really loved you they would know you, right? No, that’s a good way to not communicate, but to invest in causing made up problems in your relationship. Who trusts someone who causes unneeded drama in their life? If these games are being played, it is more likely that there is an insecurity problem within yourself, not a trust problem in the other.
- Not Using Their Trusted Information Against Them in Arguments
Loving someone and being loved brings you into a closer and more vulnerable relationship with them where you will both share deep secrets. Using that information in your next argument with them is a quick way to destroy confidence and trust in you. If you confided in your current lover that you had cheated on someone when you were younger and then they use that against you in an argument, the feelings of betrayal and hurt will crush the trust.
- Protecting Your Lover
Defend your lover out in public, even if they are wrong, sometimes. This one is tough because if they continuously act out destructively in public, you can fall into the trap of enabling. If something happens, don’t scold your partner in public, be on the side of diffusing the situation, with their and your well-being as priority. If they keep getting drunk and starting fights or keep “finding” themselves in the same place as their frenemy, both of you get help. You also have to take into account your investment in the relationship. If something wild happens in the first few dates, it’s a good sign to walk away. Even in longer relationships, especially with addicts, having to defend your lover for their wrong deeds too much should give you pause so you can ask yourself why you stay in a destructive relationship and if those reasons are actually healthy.
- Giving Your Partner Space
It’s nice and feels great being with your lover a lot. But, make sure it’s not smothering and possessive. Give each other space. Both of you need the freedom to be with your friends without them. If they want to play video games or surf the internet for an appropriate amount of time, that’s fine. You’re in a relationship, married, but not owned. If you’re never let out of their sight, you’re not trusted and trust is not being built.
- Saying No
To gain trust, to create trust and to keep trust, you have to have self-respect. Saying yes to everything isn’t being reliable, it’s another way to not communicate with your lover, which is again, an investment in misery in the relationship.
It’s fine that it takes time and evidence for trust to form, you don’t have to give trust immediately. But, as continuous trust is created and your relationship becomes deeper, you learn more about your lover and they learn more about you. There is a wonderful freedom in having this level of trust and openness in a relationship. You are loving and being loved. Trust drives intimacy.
Thanks for reading my article and I hope it was helpful for you or someone you know. If it was helpful, share and follow me here at AdamAyala.org. I write blogs weekly on the many facets of relationships. Take care and keep asking the right questions about your love life.