The Schizoid Man in Love
Don’t be thrown off by the term “schizoid”. Pop-psychology has really corrupted this word to mean mental illness while at the same time some ‘personality trait’ from the Myers-Briggs test. You’ve heard of the word ‘introvert’ and this is what I’m talking about, but you’re actually going to understand that ‘introvert’ doesn’t mean much. If you’re an ‘introvert’ you’re actually a schizoid and this is how you became schizoid, how you function as a schizoid man, how you relate to women, how you react to relationship loss and the unique difficulties you will have to master as you become a High Value Man who can love and be loved by a High Value Woman.
Becoming a Schizoid
You can blame your parents and genetics for just about everything when it comes to personality and unconscious motivations and behaviors. But you can’t blame them for how you use them as adult men. To become a HV Man, you have to live by the truth that the factory is closed and you can’t hold them liable anymore. If you’re a schizoid (introvert) man, understand what that is and how it works for you in your life and evolve your behaviors and ways you function with the insights you gain.
Schizoid men usually had the experience as a child of a cold mother who was not so great at being able to tolerate the child’s sensitivities to the external world. You always said and were too much. Mcwilliams (2006) expands on this idea by stating that,
“Thus, their painful experiences are repeatedly disconfirmed by caregivers who, because their temperament differs from that of their child, cannot identify with his or her acute sensitivities and consequently treat the child with impatience, exasperation, and even scorn (pp. 10).”
The Schizoid Man
Schizoid men are those men who are fine having distance from others while being grippingly quiet in their thoughts. This is the man who does not want to be the center of attention and can sit in the background observing. These men will question if they are crazy because they can observe a whole world or a group of people acting one way, when he can see the unobserved elephant in the room.
This causes a problem because if he identifies the elephant to those “normal neurotic healthy” people who are not as observant, he may be seen as strange or weird. Today, he will be told that he is offensive and hateful for pointing out what is truly happening between people.
Today, schizoid men are called every “ist” from those who are willfully blind.
Those neurotic people seem dishonest to you. They’re stupefied with nonsense noise of the world and there is no way to really relate to them. They are all participating in the group think consuming heard. Following each other with no purpose or insight. Who cares about the celebrities when there is so much going on right here in front of everyone? You can connect deeply with other men and women who are schizoid as you are though. It’s all unsaid, but intimately understood.
You can exist in a room with a group of people while you have vanished into your own world. Searching the corners of every thought and interaction you have within yourself and that you’re observing in others. Most people who don’t function this way will see you as distant, cold, aloof, dead and not needing connection, but you’re so alive and so intensely need and want connection. Honestly, you know that even though you sit there in your own world, you crave the intense connection more than the ‘normal neurotics’ who are social and “healthy”.
“Healthy” just means common, not better.
Those social people are exhausting and overstimulating though. When you try to speak about something that really matters, they invalidate what you say by either saying they don’t understand or by trying to argue that what you can clearly see and explain doesn’t exists. The best is when they tell you that you’re ‘over analyzing’ a situation or are too sensitive to things. They just don’t want to even give themselves the chance to see.
You live in the world of possibilities. They live in the world of absolutes.
You see that these deeper and unconscious observations don’t bother you, but they are intolerable to most others. This is what schizoid is, not that DSM nonsense. It comes from the way you can live and observe in and between the schisms of your internal life and the outside.
You’re blunt and strait forward in your ideas when you speak, even if you can say them in soft enough ways that people may be able to tolerate more. You feel everything and you’re not big into repressing your ideas, experiences and thoughts. You may be distant, but you’re intensely emotionally alive inside and experience so much it can become too much. This is why you’re so honest. You’re distant, but not hidden.
How Schizoid Men Relate with Women
I’m going to show you how important your early relationships are and how they induce your current relationships with women.
Men develop internalized images of a tantalizing, but rejecting women to which they are desperately attached. Such women are often incapable of loving, or are preoccupied with their own needs. The man is rewarded when not demanding and is devalued, or ridiculed as needy for expressing dependent longings. Thus, the man’s picture of “good” behavior is distorted. The man learns never to nag or even yearn for love, because it makes the women more distant and censorious. The man may then cover over the resulting loneliness, emptiness, and sense of ineptness with a fantasy (often unconscious) of self-sufficiency. The tragedy of schizoid men is that they believe it is love, rather than hatred, that is the destructive force within. Love consumes. Hence the schizoid man’s chief mental operation is to repress the normal wish to be loved (McWilliams, 2006, pp. 11)
This is harsh, but you can feel and understand how this makes sense. See if you can remember times you reacted and functioned this way with women. Now read the below quote.
“Doidge (2001), explains that, “Children…develop an internalized image of a tantalizing but rejecting parent . . . to which they are desperately attached. Such parents are often incapable of loving, or are preoccupied with their own needs. The child is rewarded when not demanding and is devalued, or ridiculed as needy for expressing dependent longings. Thus, the child’s picture of “good” behavior is distorted. The child learns never to nag or even yearn for love, because it makes the parent more distant and censorious. The child may then cover over the resulting loneliness, emptiness, and sense of ineptness with a fantasy (often unconscious) of self-sufficiency. Fairbairn argued that the tragedy of schizoid children is that… they believe it is love, rather than hatred, that is the destructive force within. Love consumes. Hence the schizoid child’s chief mental operation is to repress the normal wish to be loved. (pp. 285–286)” (McWilliams, 2006, pp. 11).”
We have this relentless and compulsive need to repeat relationships of our past in our present. There is no time in our unconscious so we are just being who we were fated to be. This is why it is so difficult for schizoid men to find a woman that can satisfy them and that they can satisfy enough for a constructively good enough and lasting relationship.
As a schizoid man, you’re already prone to withdrawal since it’s the one way you can have your eyes open without so much distraction. This withdrawal can go from constructive to destructive too quickly when you start ignoring or repressing your ability to discriminate between constructive love and destructive hate from your woman. You’re brilliant enough, and fearful enough, to make believe that hate is love and love is killing you so you might as well find and invest in hate with a woman.
Making believe hate is love is better than being alone and losing one of the few people you can connect to, right? Are you actually connecting or are you fooling yourself?
Your Reaction to Loss and Separation
The core conflict, the core drive, fear, wish, desire and feeling we schizoid men function through is our incredible need to be with and connect with a person, but this connection can become so consuming that we lose ourselves in it. Remember when you lose yourself in music? You are not a person listening to the music, you are in and with the music. The boundaries don’t exist anymore. It’s an experience, not an action.
You’re truly a romantic. Don’t admit this out loud, you don’t have to. Or do you? But this core drive you struggle with is romance. It’s ridiculous because you’re smart enough to not believe in romance. All those movies and songs are nonsense social conventions. Those social conventions twist and corrupt something natural and good within you for their own gains that is destructive and draining to you and constructive and gaining for them. You’re a willing well that they leech and move on from.
This is why you’ll stay in an awful relationship until the end. You will hear that it’s honorable and your duty, which reinforces this destructive aspect of your core drive. But, if honor and duty causes you suffering that brings you nowhere but deeper into your Personal Hell, is honor and duty worthy of your life? Why lose your boundaries for someone who can’t see you? Who doesn’t really care about you? Are you also making yourself impossible to see?
You’re going to be devastated to have a loss, even a loss of suffering and hatred. You’ve spent your whole life in and working on that connection to just come out with nothing. It looks like nothing, but you’ve actually gained your life. You messed up and bonded yourself with the wrong person. Tough bro, go do it again and this time discriminate between the different types of women out there. Don’t go for the one that you’re immediately drawn to. Going for that one woman who you’re immediately drawn to is you compulsively repeating your relationship pattern. Your outcome will be the same when you blindly follow your un-mastered core drive and unconscious beliefs and this time, you’ll be responsible and accountable for this. You knew better.
You also better not go back to that women you worked to disconnect from after doing the good work to master your core drives and unconscious beliefs. Rejection is not more painful than regret. Your fantasies of what that relationship “could be” are just wishful and delusional fantasies projected onto a relationship that was built upon a frame that will inevitably end the same way it already has. “Healthy relationships are founded on genuine mutual desire, not a list of negotiated terms and obligations, and this is, by definition, is exactly what any post-breakup relationship necessitates (Tomassi, 2013, pp. 228).”
You’re not going to vanish by severing your ties with that person you’re connected to. You’re going to be in pain. You’re going to fall to pieces. You will also know how to Invest in Yourself so this state isn’t eternal or elongated more than it has to be. Turn your suffering into pain that allows you to progress in your possibilities as a man.
Loss and loneliness are your biggest pains and the biggest aspects of your core drives and unconscious behaviors you will have to master. You become a High Value Man by mastering everything and anything that comes from your feelings and reality of loss and loneliness. You’ll be mastering helplessness, unworthiness, the scarcity idea that there will be no other woman out there for you. You will have to master the ideological belief that you can’t and won’t trust anyone else ever again in the way you wish and need so you’ll just have shallow relationships with women because ‘to Hell with them.’ You’ll stop discrediting your value by playing into the social ideology of ‘leagues’.
Feel it all, do it all, say it all, experience it all and come out the man you are to be. Be the High Value Man who has mastered their core drives and unconscious beliefs. No more are you controlled by it, you can now live with and use it for construction and pleasure in your life. Then, at this time, you can really see and discriminate between constructive and destructive women while also being able to illuminate your own constructive and destructive tendencies with all women. Now you have the progressive possibility to have everything and anything within your sight and grasp. No more are you starving with everything just beyond your fingertips.
Or, you can stop reaching for everything and anything that’s just beyond your reach. You can close your eyes and be internally dead. To Hell with sex, relationships, dates and interacting with others. Lay suspended in your mind, alone. Making believe that you’re immune to the suffering of loneliness. Go to sleep beautiful. Maybe someone will come save your mind.
Make Your Investment in becoming a High Value Man of Orlando.
Ayala, A. (2018). Your Investment
Doidge, N. (2001). Diagnosing The English Patient: Schizoid fantasies of being skinless and being buried alive. J. Amer. Psychoanal. Assoc., 49:279–309.
Guntrip, H. (1969). Schizoid phenomena, object relations and the self. New York: International Universities Press.
Khan, M. (1963). The concept of cumulative trauma. Psychoanal. Study of the Child, 18:286–306. (1966). Role of phobic and counterphobic mechanisms and separation anxiety in schizoid character formation. Internat. J. Psycho-Anal., 47:306– 312.
McWilliams, N. (2006). Some Thoughts About Schizoid Dynamics. Psychoanalytic Review, 93(1), February 2006
Wheelis, A. (1956). The vocational hazards of psychoanalysis. Internat. J. Psycho-Anal., 37:171–184.