I received many questions and comments about my last article on Izzy’s orgasm. Izzy stated that since she had her first orgasm with Rufus, she knew he was the one for her. I was told that the idea was ridiculous because orgasms come just from physical stimulation. Is that so?
Reading back, I realized I didn’t really explain how orgasms can be understood as a measure of good intimacy neurologically or psychoanalytically. In the next few articles I’m going to break down the meaning and importance of sex to bring us back to Izzy’s assumption.
If you haven’t read the article on Izzy’s orgasm I recommend reading that to have a better understanding of what we’re talking about here. There are also previous articles that speak more on her relationship with her husband Rufus which will give you more context and understanding on how they met, how they unconsciously attracted each other and how they attached to each other to form their lasting relationship.
I’m going to give you the wrap up of all the articles and we’ll make our way there during these next few weeks so we can fully understand what the quote is saying.
Zeitner (2012) explains that, “By providing pleasure, forgiveness is earned as the partners experience a psychosomatic fusion in preparation for the inevitable separation that will follow. The repeating sequence of separation, sexual tension, teasing, fusion, and penetration/being penetrated, culminating in orgasm, reorganizes and regulates the various drive states while also replenishing the relationship (pp. 96).”
Izzy had unconsciously eliminated emotions from sex before Rufus. The unconscious aim of her unrelenting drive for sex was to gain feelings of value, which she never received. She felt no safety, no love, no forgiveness, no fusion or regulation in her experiences.
“My body was just being fucked. They had no real idea of who I was and didn’t care. There was one guy who did look into my eyes, but he wasn’t looking at me at all. He also kept calling me “mommy” which wasn’t right. It wasn’t cultural or anything either. He just kept asking, “Do you like that mommy?!””
With Rufus she orgasmed because she could express her emotions instead of focusing on genital stimulation and just bodily pleasures while receiving emotions back from Rufus. There was a satisfaction of deep emotional cravings, not just of physical stimulation. This is because psychoanalysis has discovered that sex, sexuality and our sexual experiences have subjective aspects that are full of unconscious meaning. Izzy unconsciously understood this as a young woman. Looking back, she can put into words that she was just “being fucked” by these other men and that with Rufus it wasn’t that. The unconscious meaning of their sex communicated something she and they were seeking, something constructive.
Dr. Zeitner (2012) put it best when he stated,
“Sex is about feelings and much less about the genitals. The genitals are merely parts of the anatomy through which people express tenderness and their passionate feelings for each other (pp. 81).”
One discovery from neuroscience and self-report is about universal pleasure zones. There are some clinicians that believe that the same stimulation on an erogenous zone on different people guarantees sexual pleasure. This isn’t the case. Some crave their nipples sucked while others feel it as painful. This false idea of universal pleasure zones has pushed many people into behavioral therapies that are built upon that mistaken idea and ignores the couple’s unconscious relationship dynamics.
Next week we’re going to discover an experience Izzy and Rufus had with a sex therapist in their late 20’s. They had gone from a couple who had sex 4 times a week on a slow week for over 10 years to suddenly once every 2 months. We’ll see how sex therapy went, what did and didn’t work and how that affected their relationship long term. Then we’ll start exploring what the absence of sex means in a relationship while touching on some unconscious reasons for this.