How’s it going Gentlemen. I’m continuing from my previous papers on the The Cost of Not Being a Masculine Man, Being the Assertive Narcissist and Why You Will Resist Getting Help for Your Masochism. Reading these will give you fuller context of what we all are exploring, but not necessary to understand the main point of this paper.
Different places have been discovering the masculinity devaluing masochism in men and have been calling it out from their perspective. Some groups promote the masochism and claim men need to be masochistic if they want to live and not rape and oppress women and some want men to stop this destructive behavior of being repressing your masculinity through masochism.
The Manosphere and men such as Masculine Clinical Psychologist Dr. Shawn T. Smith understand this phenomenon as the De-Masculinization of men. Dr. Smith promotes masculinity, which is actually a promotion of assertion and decisiveness (anti-masochism).
“High-Value men have the ability to be long-term providers. That doesn’t necessarily mean they’re wealthy. It simply means they possess certain qualities like foresight, discipline, a social network, resourcefulness, intelligence and humor. They are also willing to stick around. Willingness is evident in qualities like generosity, emotional stability, and the ability to maintain emotional bonds. Essentially, the high-value man is open to commitment and professionally squared away-or at least he’s headed in that direction. I’d like to add one more trait to the list: masculinity. The high-value man doesn’t relinquish his testicles or apologize for possessing them. He cultivates those male qualities that benefit himself and the people he loves. In our society there is a small, noisy contingent of women (and a few men) who insist that masculinity is destructive and outdated, but I can assure you they are the minority (Smith, S. 2017. pp. 7-8).”
We also have John Stoltenberg who believes men who have, ““Healthy masculinity” are the same as men who have “healthy cancer”. This is because he sees manhood as an identity built entirely out of oppression. He contends that the parts of manhood that we view as non-toxic don’t actually have a designated gender—and describing these actions or qualities as masculine just reflects our disdain for women (Cooper, 2018).”
Men, and the good women who have to suffer through this with us, this is what you’re up against socially which directly impacts your personal lives, relationships and therapy. There is a noisy crowd who wants you to keep your dynamics of your masochism we spoke about before. You fear being narcissistically assertive and asking and acting for what you want because if you do you will be immediately called a “toxic male” by those loud minorities. The demanding, cruel and punishing caregiver of your infancy and youth is now the loud culture who will take away everything you care about if you do speak up about your frustrations and against their ideology.
You do need to recognize your masculinity and promote growing the parts of your masculinity that promote constructive work and outcomes for yourself and the ones you love. Don’t be a masochist that only creates benefiting outcomes for others who hate you. Surround yourself with those good men and women who will recognize and uplift you. Benjamin (1988) explains that there is a,
“Relationship between love and domination, and clarified the individual’s desire for recognition as one of the foundation stones supporting the sense of self: “Recognition is that response from the other which makes meaningful the feelings, intentions, and actions of the self. It allows the self to realize its agency and authorship in a tangible way (p. 12).””
Other than the individual work you will do with me on the couch, you also have to be recognized by others who hold the same values and truths as you do. This will let you then again recognize yourself and assert your masculinity with authority while being constructive in your actions.
As a masochist who believes and lives under the ideas that “masculinity is toxic,” you will never let yourself be recognized and never actually develop and mature into an autonomous, masculine individual and be able to be decisive and assert yourself in any way that is meaningful.
As you assert yourself and your masculinity you will be recognized and then you continue to assert this as you are continually being recognized and being assertive. This is the pattern of behavior and deep belief you want in your life as any man, even if you are primarily masochistic or not. If you do not assert your masculinity, you will just surrender and be submissive because you have nothing of value inside of you that is free to act and will keep believing that suffering is love.
Become a Masculine High-Value Man by Contacting Me in my Orlando, Florida office.
Ayala, A. (2018). The Cost of Not Being a Masculine Man
Ayala, A. (2018). Being the Assertive Narcissist
Ayala, A. (2018). Why You Will Resist Getting Help for Your Masochism
Benjamin, J. (1988). The Bonds of Love: Psychoanalysis, Feminism, and the Problem of Domination. New York: Pantheon Books.
Cooper, W, L. (2018). All Masculinity is Toxic :https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/zmk3ej/all-masculinity-is-toxic
Hall, D. (2014). THE FATE OF AGGRESSION IN MASO-MASOCHISTIC RELATIONSHIPS. The Psychoanalytic Quarterly, 2014 Volume LXXXIII, Number 2