Over the years I’ve found myself understanding many of the hidden and seen issues we have in our relationships as investments. When you forgive someone, it takes away all the energy you’re investing in being angry, resentful, harsh and at some points vengeful. This kind of forgiveness takes time, but not too much time. What do I mean by too much time though?
Too much time taken to forgive is an investment in vengeance. This can be seen when you throw the wrong doing back in the person’s face over and over again or use the unforgiveness to manipulate them into doing what you want them to do. Without saying it, we can do things to send the message of, “I haven’t forgiven you yet so you better do what I say if you want a chance of forgiveness.” This is when you’re taking too long. Ask yourself, are you being cruel & vengeful? They may deserve it, it may be what is coming to them, and it probably feels great. Ever wonder what price you’re paying for vengeance?
Too little time is Cheap Forgiveness. You didn’t actually let yourself feel the anger, hurt, resentment and vengeance. You’re cheating yourself out of a growth process and you’re letting the other person off the hook quickly which is also cheating them out of a growth process. And, if you don’t grow from that position, you’re damned to repeat the situation with them or with another. Cheap forgiveness is an investment in destroying your self-respect, your emotional stability and your relationship.
Once forgiveness happens, then the healing can happen for you. When we’re stuck thinking about what the other person did, you’re not paying attention to yourself and not letting yourself get the care you need. It’s a sly way of not letting ourselves really start handling the pain of an infidelity or severe breach in the trust of your relationship. The healing part doesn’t feel so great, especially if you take the time and energy to dig deep into yourself and give yourself the chance to see everything the breach of the relationship brought up for you. Pain, anger, sorrow, hurt, rage, loneliness, fear, sense of loss, bitterness, betrayal or feeling dead inside. That feeling of being emotionally dead, apathy, is the biggest killer of life going on and the biggest sign showing that help is needed. Feelings felt can be worked through, feelings bottled up destructively fester.
Ever taken too long to forgive or given Cheap Forgiveness and are now finding yourself in a hard situation emotionally? How’s it going?
Thanks for reading my article and I hope it was helpful for you or someone you know. If it was helpful, share and follow me here at AdamAyala.org. I write blogs weekly on relationships and am also available for individual in person sessions. Take care and keep asking the right questions about your love life.