Losing your masculinity is just being a self-hating masochist.
I’ve been so struck by Rollo Tomassi telling us that men are the romantics between the sexes. His argument of hypergamy is solid which also made me resistant to the idea because it’s the opposite of what we’re told. Men and women can both agree society and family tells us that women love romance and men love sex. This is why we have always believed that women cheat for “love” and men for “sex” which we now know is not true as Dr. Lehmiller found in their study on How Monogamy May Be More Difficult For Woman than it is for Men. We’re getting rid of delusions and replacing them with genuine critical thinking, facts and observations.
Let’s bring it to the psychoanalytic literature and data and see how we can understand modern men. Dr. Desnee Hall of Columbia University wrote a paper observing how two masochistic individuals interact in a marriage that I’ll be pilling from.
Boys to Masochistic Men
Masochistic personalities develop when we as infants and kids had sadistic parents, or experienced sadistic parents, that we were powerless over. If we reacted aggressively out against them, we would lose their care. Because of this perceived reality we had to take in and submit to the hostility of our caregivers which made us believe that hostility is love. This idea that hate/sadism is love is a common feature of the man who is an Introvert.
Later on, in the “Terrible 2’s” when the child does more overtly act out his frustrated aggression towards the hostile caregiver, he is punished (psychically or physically) which ignites in you an unconscious and bodily feeling of losing the love of the caregiver.
This is why the child, and now you as a man, will submit to your girlfriend, spouse or the woman you just met. You are trying to save your relationship (or relationship you want to have) through your corrupted understanding of what love is (Berliner 1958), as you try to control the sadistic spouse through being submissive (Brenner 1959; Cooper 1989) while you are unconsciously in your mind trying to master and repair your early childhood relationships with the new woman you are currently with (Ghent 1990).
Oh damn, it’s a bit complicated. Let’s iron this out a bit.
What is Masochism
“I define masochistic behaviors or gestures as those activities that suppress an individual’s healthy self-assertion or the reach for reasonable narcissistic gratification, in favor of submission to the request or demand of another person—in this case, a marital partner (Hall, D. 2014. pp. 351).”
This is why you say, “I have to ask the boss” and “She is my better half.” You have this unconscious belief that if you ask for what you want you will lose her love and you will have nothing left.
“I have to ask the boss” is the action taken by you because of the unconscious belief that if you don’t ask her for her direct permission to do something you will anger her, not be able to do anything about it, and lose her love. You run through fears of sleeping on the couch, having to keep the peace in another fight, or the total loss of a relationship.
“She is my better half” is you telling her and everyone else that you are worthless and cannot make decisions for yourself, so you better ask her because she is the one who knows what’s good for you, not you. If you ever expressed and asserted your narcissism and wants you would obviously be doing the bad and wrong this since you’re the “worst half”.
This is completely opposite to reality. We know that if you have no backbone you will not keep the passion of a relationship alive. Why would a woman want to be with a man who has no backbone? Does that inspire her to be a woman for you or inspire confidence in you or the relationship? She doesn’t want another kid.
This unconscious belief is also why you are too often an irritable man when your woman requests something of you, even if it’s a simple request. You can factually know that you are not reacting to your current woman, you are reacting to the inner beliefs you have about women. These inner beliefs are that they are demanding, harsh, mean, vindictive, persecuting, overwhelming, demanding and punishing.
You can look back at times when she asked you to do something really simple and you flipped out and see this at work. You were fighting to gain control and assertion in your life (trying to master the bad relationship dynamic you had with your early caregivers), but you had no idea how to do it and pushed all of your unmet emotional needs of your early life onto the woman you were with. You are trying to not feel helpless while at the same time being so fearful that if you lose your helplessness, you lose her love. You are playing out your relationships of old and projecting them into your current relationships which is ultimately screwing you.
If you keep this unconscious belief alive within yourself and you don’t do the work to stop this tragedy, your life and relationships with women will stay tragic.
Make Your Investment in yourself with me to work with me in changing your tragic love life so you can do the work to not continual experience yourself, your mind and your women this way.
Ayala. A. (2018). Introverted Men and Relationships: Unconscious Beliefs that Ruin You. http://adamayala.org/introverted-men-and-relationships-unconscious-beliefs-that-ruin-you/
Ayala, A. (2018). Being an Assertive Narcissist: http://adamayala.org/wp-admin/post.php?post=893&action=edit
Hall, D. (2014). THE FATE OF AGGRESSION IN MASO-MASOCHISTIC RELATIONSHIPS. The Psychoanalytic Quarterly, 2014 Volume LXXXIII, Number 2
Lehmiller, J. (2018). How Monogamy May Be More Difficult For Woman than it is for Men.