Why Who Initiates Sex Matters

Why Who Initiates Sex Matters

There is this painful topic that matters so much, but it’s not ever talked about in a way that you can bring to your bed.

That Painful Moment

You give your lover a kiss and caress them and they don’t respond.

You’re lying in bed at night next to your lover.  The day is over, there are many things to do tomorrow, but tomorrow is hours and a sunrise away. Co-workers and people in your life are the worst. They give you lots of problems, treat you poorly and you feel unappreciated by them. Thankfully you’re with someone you love who won’t treat you like those strangers do.  You give your lover a kiss and caress them and they don’t respond.

 

The Feelings that Come From That Painful Moment

If this happens once, you can rationalize that your lover is tired. If this happens over and over again, the lack of response, the half-hearted responses or lack of enthusiasm will bring up feelings of

  • Loneliness
  • Shame
  • The belief that your lover finds you disgusting
  • That they do not want you
  • That they do not need you

You can want to talk about it, but how can you talk to someone who is so far away from and who is actively pulling away and rejecting you?

 

The Spiraling Out of Control Phase

Or even worse, you tally up all the evidence to show that you’re not worth being loved.

This spirals you down into painful thoughts of other ways they show that they find you disgusting or don’t want you.

  • You’ll think about the times they don’t kiss you goodbye.
  • When they didn’t say that they love you.
  • When they didn’t hold your hand when you were out in public.
  • When they didn’t pay attention to you when you really needed them.

You start tallying all the evidence to show that they don’t love you. Or even worse, you tally up all the evidence to show that you’re not worth being loved.

 

The Self-Attacking Phase

In your shame you attack yourself.

  • You feel that you are disgusting.
  • You’ve gained weight.
  • You haven’t made as much money this year.
  • You’re not home as much.
  • You haven’t given them all the affection they need.

Now You Choose How To Kill Your Relationship: Arguments or Emotional Deadness

They’re all attacks to hurt them because you feel hurt by them.

If this isn’t handled, vicious arguments will start or cold and silent resentment will brew. The fights will be disguised and seem like they are about other things. You will pick fights over how your lover is not cleaning dishes after they eat or not cleaning up after themselves. These arguments will all be attacks that start with, “You don’t…!” They’re all attacks to hurt them because you feel hurt by them.

 

Can Love Last?

The lack of sex is a symptom of something deeper that is wrong in the relationship.

If you don’t discuss the lack of sex, ambiguous interpretations will come into your mind which will lead to arguments and too often destroys a relationship and family. Trying to determine what is going on through genuine communicating with your lover to determine what is going on is the goal. A lot of the time these issues can be worked through since the lack of sex is a symptom of something deeper that is wrong in the relationship.

 

Are You Staying or Investing in a Dead Relationship?

There are Steps You Can Take to initiate this painful conversation.

Just remember, to not know how to value yourself, not knowing how to have meaning in your life, will keep you in this repetition of staying  and investing in a dead relationship.

 

How to Invest in Keeping Your Relationship Dead

  1. Not say that you are feeling sexually and emotionally rejected.
  2. To have an affair.
  3. To explode in a rage.

These are the ways to not adequately ask for what you want in a relationship because you feel you do not deserve to be happy and cannot tolerate the frustration of relationships.

 

The One ‘Not So Small’ Thing You Can Do Today

So, if your lover initiates sex and you’re not in the mood that day because of the millions of things that rightfully exhaust you, empathize with them to think about what it might mean to them to reject them. Even harder to do, ask them about it.

Or do the easier thing and tell them you have a headache, that you’re tired, that you have to wake up early and go to sleep making believe that you’ll take care of this issue tomorrow.

Forget about tomorrow, tomorrow is today.  

There are solutions out there to the many problems we have in our relationships. My 4-Step Solution on How to Not Argue with your Lover will teach you what words to avoid and what to be thinking to avoid an argument or when an argument has started so you can continue to live in a way that is fulfilling to your lives.

Mr. Ayala

Modern Psychoanalytical Relationship Specialist

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