You as a High Value Lover

Why You Won’t Have Sex Again in Your Sexless Relationship (And What to Do About It)

“Mr. Ayala. I was scared I was going to cheat on my husband if we continued to not have sex. I’m glad we worked on this.”

There is a Psychoanalytic understanding that both partners in a relationship play a part in the unwanted parts of a relationship. A sexless relationship is not an exception to this. Let’s figure out the barriers to sex and intimacy and what we can do about them.

One major issue is that we hate not having guarantees in our love life. We try our hardest to create a guarantee in our relationships, which is building an illusionary safety. This is why a lot of people impulsively get married or have kids to “fix” the relationship. The traditional vows speak of this guarantee. “For better or for worse. For richer or poorer. Till death does us part.”

It’s devastating to see that even though you may want sex, you somehow do everything you can to guarantee you won’t have any or enough. A lot of effort has to be put into having a sexless marriage by both partners. It’s not equal effort being put in, but nonetheless, both put in the effort.

I worked with Kathy in my office here in Orlando and we’re going to explore

  1. The root of her sexless marriage.
  2. What she did about the lack of sex once she understood what was happening.
  3. The outcome of her working towards fixing her sexless marriage.
  4. What she discovered along the way so it never happened again.

Kathy’s List to More Sex

“Mr. Ayala. I had in my mind that sex was supposed to be with someone you love and it would feel safe and kind, but that’s not sex at all.

Kathy came to my office for an analysis because she was depressed that she could not get her husband to have sex with her. She had a hard time being overt about wanting sex because she felt like she was being a bit “rude”, but she still wanted her husband.

Her husband was just always too busy or too tired to have sex. After years of this, she told me that she became distant and didn’t really pay attention to him. She especially felt annoyed by him when he would do things such as get her flowers. It rarely happened and she wished it never did.

After a long exploration of her annoyances with her husband, she realized that when he did pursue her in an intimate or sexual way she pushed him away even though this is what she had said she wanted from him.

She would tell him, and me, that she wanted him to be romantic, to pay attention to her, to treat her like a woman. When he did this she would get annoyed and push him away.

Kathy discovered that she would get annoyed by him giving her what she wanted because she knew she would lose his affection again eventually and would rather not have sex at all than have sex sometimes, go through a long drought of no sex and suffer through withdrawals.

After discovering this fear she decided to take the risk of going through withdrawals. Kathy made a list of things she would do to take that risk in her relationship and add the dangerous passion she desired and was scared of.

  1. Take care of herself by giving herself time to sleep, relax, drink tea and read again
  2. Grow out her hair
  3. Come onto him 3 times a week and not take offense if he’s clueless
  4. Embrace him every time he came onto me
  5. Show appreciation when he did anything that gave her the feeling that he cared
  6. Be dressed up when he gets home and not just in her most comfortable clothing

After doing this for a few months Kathy realized what her depression had been about.

  1. The depression was a reaction to her deep resentment she had for her husband since he had withdrawn from her.
  2. Even worse, she was depressed because of her own withdrawal from her husband that kept the lack of sex going.

They both played a role in their lack of sex.

“It was easier to blame him because then I could complain to my girlfriends and say that I’m still a sexy, vibrant, lonely housewife who has needs her husband can’t meet. My girls and I would be out and see other men and “innocently joke” about how he could meet my needs. But in reality, I was using him as a barrier so I didn’t have to see how afraid I was of being a vibrant wife to myself and to him.”

Kathy was very hard on herself about this discovery. She felt she embarrassed herself and her husband when she said those things in front of her girlfriends and when he fantasized about these other strangers. She made a  discovery that frightened and excited her at the same time.

“A sexless marriage is a symptom of some deep hurt both partners aren’t doing enough to fix or even talk about.”

“Mr. Ayala. I had in my mind that sex was supposed to be with someone you love and it would feel safe and kind, but that’s not sex at all. These last few months I realized how dependent I am on my husband for my emotional needs. I want him to arouse me and excite me and discover me as I discover him. That’s just freaky to think about. I didn’t let any of that happen and let the sex die in our marriage because I really believed that if we didn’t have sex and lose our minds like we use to when we first started dating we would last forever. We are grown-ups and have our duties and don’t have time for trivial things such as good sex.”

“It sounds stupid now that it’s coming out of my mouth. I’m a woman and he’s a man. If he and I don’t come first, there is no relationship. I might as well divorce him. And oddly enough, he works well with me being angry. He told me that if I tell him what’s wrong then he can at least listen, know and do something about it with me when we’re ready.”

What to Do About Your Sexless Relationship

A sexless marriage is a symptom of very deep and hurtful conflicts within each person and in the relationship. For Kathy and her relationship, we saw the cause as a few things.

  1. The need for the relationship being safe by killing desire.
  2. A depression in Kathy that was covering resentment which was pushing down her anger towards him and herself.
  3. A lack of communication between the two on their problems.
  4. Her fear that if she got what she wanted (sex) then it will inevitably be taken away again and that would be too painful to handle.
  5. An investment in keeping the relationship sexless by not doing anything about the problems above.

“My guide helps you have this conversation about sex in a way that invests in your relationship regaining satisfactory sex again.”

If you are in a sexless relationship, as Kathy was in, you can start observing your relationship to see if you’re tangled in any of these 5 situations. These 5 situations are difficult to see without some insight but start with seeing if you are communicating your wish for more sex with your lover and how effective it has been. If talking about the lack of sex is not effective, then you know that the other 4 situations are at play and you have 2 options.

  1. It’s either time to do something about the lack of sex in the relationship
  2. Or just accept that you won’t have a fulfilling relationship anymore.

Kathy Worked With Me and sorted things out and now she is having the frequency and quality of sex her and her husband have been desiring but were avoiding working on. This change has created positive growth in other parts of their relationships and life while helping them avoid some devastating events.

“Mr. Ayala. I was scared I was going to cheat on my husband if we continued to not have sex. I’m glad we worked on this.”

It’s your only choices.

In my private practice I see that the lack of sex in a relationship isn’t appreciated as a serious problem. People will just say that the man is being a pig wanting so much sex from his wife who is busy or that the wife needs to know the man works hard and he needs to be left alone to do the things he needs to do. It’s going to be a tough conversation to have with your significant other when you tell them you don’t want to be in a sexless relationship anymore and My guide helps you have this conversation about sex in a way that invests in your relationship regaining satisfactory sex again. My 4-Step Solution on How to Not Argue with your Lover will teach you what words to avoid and what to be thinking to avoid this talk becoming an argument so you can regain the fulfilling sex and intimacy that comes with it.

Mr. Ayala

Modern Psychoanalytical Relationship Specialist

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